


Conversations

by StrangledAvatar



Category: Hollyoaks
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2019-11-29 03:32:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18217631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrangledAvatar/pseuds/StrangledAvatar
Summary: Different conversations Harry Thompson has with his mental health professional about the people in his life whose effect has been the greatest.





	1. Hypervigilance

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fanfiction that I have written in years. This is the first dialogue only approach that I've taken. These excerpts from Harry's sessions express some of the issues that he deals with. Comments are not only welcome but sought after...especially because it has been years.

“With Ste, I had to always be aware of everything. Always on. I didn’t even realize I was doing it. But yeah, I was always looking at each situation and thinking about Ste. How he would react. See that’s the thing, you always have to be thinking of Ste.”

 

“Isn’t it natural to be thinking about your partner?”

 

“In the beginning? Maybe. But then it takes over. HE takes over. I don’t even think he knows it happens. I sure as hell didn’t. You lose yourself in him. And you don’t even realize until you’re sat on someone’s couch, listening to them tell you how good you are, fit, smart…how much are worth. But, all you can think is about worthless you are without Ste. I said that you know—I said that if I didn’t have Ste, I didn’t have anything. And I was right.”

 

“What do you mean by not having anything?”

 

“I was going to go to America but I didn’t. I was going to Uni, but I stopped. I was going to be…you know, I don’t even remember, what I was going to be. My future, I know I had one—but now? It’s so different. I’m different. I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize myself sometimes. I know my dad doesn’t…but I don’t think I can handle speaking about my dad and Ste in the same session.”

 

“Okay. Let’s just keep the focus on Ste.”

 

“That’s the problem.”

 

“What is?”

 

“The focus is on Ste. That’s what I meant. Everything revolves around him. Everything.”

 

“You’ve said that before. That he takes over. Why don’t you give a few examples and we’ll see how it happened?”

 

“Ste. Ste happened.”

 

“Alright, but how? It sounds a little like you want Ste to be the only reason for the choices you made in your life. Was he? Did you have no agency in your own decisions?”

 

“That’s just it, I didn’t!”

 

“Really? No choice of your own? No willpower? It was all Ste?”

 

**“YES.”**

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I had to take care of Ste. Me! See, if the situation got too tough, I had to handle it because Ste couldn’t. He’s been through so much…abuse, drugs, losing family members.”

 

“It sounds like if he lived through so much that he could handle it, but you wouldn’t let him?”

 

“Right…if handling it is getting angry. Or drunk? Violent…or maybe just high. Or some twisted combination. That’s how he handles things. I turned to prostitution to keep him from ‘handling things'. Because his handling things, would have put him back in rehab or the morgue.”

 

“Har—”

 

“I moved in and out of my father’s home—sometimes homeless—to allow him to handle things. I let him destroy my football dream in America, handling things. I let him sabotage my Uni dreams because he had to handle our homelessness, his kids, and Amy. His way of handling things meant sleeping with his ex-husband because he was having a bad day! I kissed him and propped him up after I got out of PRISON, so he could handle things with his kids…I turned my back on someone who needed me, when he was at his most vulnerable, because Ste couldn’t handle me being friends with him. But, yeah, maybe I was the problem… One time Ste said to me that he thought he had broken me. He compared our relationship to the one he had with Amy. How he abused her, broke her down, and how he destroyed her life. He said that to me one time. He said he did that to me. I said No…that he didn’t, but he did…Just not the same way.”

 

“How?”

 

“He takes over remember? A parasite. A venom.”

 

“Those are harsh words. They make him sound like a monster.”

 

“No. He’s. Parasites and venom are only doing what is natural. Told you, I don’t think he knows it happens. My father once called him a train-wreck and Ste was genuinely shocked because he didn’t see it. I didn’t, not for a long time. But parasites continually take from its host. And venom? It eats away at the person from the inside out until there is nothing left…until all that left is the venom and the damage: The first thing I thought about in the morning was Ste and how the day would affect him. The last thought I had before I fell asleep was to replay the day and think about the next day. And all the time in between, I was examining each situation for what could go wrong. I was so tired. Exhausted. Always on, always aware. Because if I weren’t? Things always went to hell. Always.”

 

“Did you ever get a chance to stop and breathe? To think about yourself?”

 

“No. Because I was Nowhere. I was just gone. Harry Thompson didn’t exist outside of Ste Hay. That’s what I meant when told James that if I didn’t have Ste, I didn’t have anything. It wasn’t just about my family relationship with him or the business being his…it was about me. I didn’t exist apart from him. My first and last thought were about him. But, then a host can’t exist without the parasite right?”

 

“I think it is the other way around actually? Wouldn’t the parasite require the host to exist?”

 

“No. A parasite can exist alone. But the host doesn’t until it’s infected. Until that moment it’s not a host—It’s a separate creature whose life is free.”

 

“Okay. How do you become free again? How do you find Harry Thompson outside of Ste Hay?”


	2. Surrealist Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another conversation about people in Harry's life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a look into another character in Harry Thompson's story. Please provide any feedback to let me know how it's going.

“You’re not even an animal.”

 

“Pardon?”

 

“You’re not even an animal…that’s what he said to me. My own father. I still hear those words sometimes, when it is quiet. They go round and round in my head—on a loop.”

 

“When did he say this?”

 

“Does it matter? Really, does it matter when he said it? Isn’t the point that he did?”

 

“Sometimes people, even parents, say things that in the heat of the moment. A throwaway comment that does not express their real feelings or thoughts. What happened prior to him saying this?”

 

“You mean, what did I do? Cause it’s always my fault, inn’t it?”

 

“Is that what I asked? Did I ask you what you did?”

 

“You didn’t have to. It’s what you meant…”

 

“Really? How do you know what I meant? Why do you assume that I’m blaming you?”

 

“Because you are!”

 

“No.”

 

“What?”

 

“I said ‘no’…I was neither blaming you nor accusing you. I was just asking what happened. You were the one who brought the blame into this.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Why what, Harry?”

 

“Why did I immediately go on the defense? Why did I think you were blaming me?”

 

“You tell me. Why would you be in wrong?”

 

“Because I always am. Always…well, not always. There was a time that my dad didn’t think me scum. He loved me.”

 

“Loved? You believe that your dad doesn’t love you anymore?”

 

“Yeh. I do.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I’m not that child who went looking for a dad. Or the teenager from the secondary school. I’m different. I’m a stranger to him—something else he said to me. I changed and he either doesn’t understand who he is seeing or…he does and just doesn’t like it. I think maybe he just doesn’t like the change—doesn’t like me.”

 

“Watching people grow and change is bound to make anyone feel different. Isn’t that natural? Wouldn’t he feel the same about others?”

 

“Not my dad. At least not when it comes to Ste. My dad told me about how he first met Ste. How damaged but brave, Ste was. The feelings he had about him were obvious.”

 

“Feelings?”

 

“Love, pride, fear, helplessness—but above all, devotion. This was in the middle of some…drama. But yeh. My dad was going on about how their relationship developed It took some work but they reached and ‘understanding’. He was scared that he wouldn’t be able to help save Ste again. He was afraid that when the time came, he would fail Ste—that was his biggest fear. He didn’t want to let Ste down. Because even though so much had happened involving Ste, he was still that damaged but brave person that my father loves.”

 

“You say ‘loves’ when you’re talking about your dad and Ste. Present tense.”

 

“Yeh.”

 

“But for you the love is gone. Past tense—a thing long gone?”

 

“Yeh…in my quieter more honest moments. When I’m not trying to create the perfect family. The mom who actively cares or the dad who always is there for me—who loves me unconditionally. How can he love me if he looked me in the eye and told me that he didn’t want me around HIS children?”

 

“He said that? He didn’t want you around his children?”

 

“Yes. Because didn’t know what I was capable of. He was afraid that I may hurt them. Ste has violence all in his history—actually still in his present life too, come to think about it. Ste would rather settle things with his fists before trying anything else. But my dad still loves him. He’s had a rough life, Harry. Ste’s done so much for you Harry. He stood by you Harry. My dad always sides with Ste—ironic actually.”

 

“How so?”

 

“There was a time that my dad thought I could do so much better than Ste. That he was a disaster and that he would ruin my life. Of course that was before he stopped loving me—when I was still someone that he could love I guess.”

 

“But not now?”

 

“No, not now. I’m no longer that lost little boy. I’m a stranger. Besides he doesn’t need me. He has Ste. He did before I came along, still has him now, and will always have Ste in his life. And that’s because Ste was more of son to him than I’d ever be. I’m the disappointment.”

 

“Is that what your dad thinks? Or what you think he thinks?”

 

“It’s not about me being defensive—not about this. It is simply how it is. Ste made bad choices and went through bad things. But that just made him stronger. It made him a better person.”

 

“But not you?”

 

“No. I made bad choices and I went through bad things and they just broke me. They BROKE me. I tried to put myself back together—but like that egg, my pieces can’t all fit back together again. I am shattered edges and inky shades of light. Have you ever seen surrealism paintings? I’ve recently discovered them—James influence no doubt.”

 

“No doubt. Surrealism?

 

“It’s life but ever so wrong. The images are of real life, but the perspective is all twisted. It isn’t pleasant to look at. All the same everyday items are the same, but the overall effect is off.”

 

“Is that what you are? Twisted?”

 

“Aren’t I?”

 

“Harry.”

 

“Yeh. I’m not the ‘domesticated doe-eyed little puppy’ anymore. I’m different. I’m changed. And because of that my dad can’t love me. I made him not love me.”

 

“Made him, huh?”

 

“By being me….You’re not even an animal. I don’t know when I’m going to stop hearing that. Oh and ‘I’m ashamed to call you my son’. That also whispers at me.”


	3. Heliophobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light and Truth...it is what you make of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think.

“How long have you hated yourself?”

 

“Wha?”

 

“How long have you hated yourself?”

 

“I heard you, I just don’t understand.”

 

“I think you do, Harry. It’s a simple question.”

 

“First off, no. It’s not. And secondly, who says I do?”

 

“Don’t you?”

 

“No!”

 

“How long?”

 

“I just said, I don’t.”

 

“How long?”

 

“Why are you doing this?”

 

“How long?”

 

“I just told ya…”

 

“I know what you told me—and I know you do.”

 

“How?”

 

“How do I know? Know that you hate yourself?”

 

“Yeh.”

 

“Because you said it.”

 

“No, I haven’t.”

 

“Yes, you have. And before we keep round in this yes/no game…you have.”

 

“Again, first off—no. And second, I don’t hate myself.”

 

“Sounds like an affirmation when you say it like that.”

 

“I don’t hate myself.”

 

“Had practise with that, have you?”

 

“I DO NOT HATE MYSELF.”

 

“Yes, you do.”

 

“Alright then, why!”

 

“You tell me.”

 

“This is ridiculous. I don’t know how else to say it.”

 

“But you’re twisted.”

 

“What?”

 

“You’re unloved.”

 

“Stop it.”

 

“Broken.”

 

“I said, stop.”

 

“You are nothing.”

 

“Plea—.”

 

“Try the affirmation again, Harry. Tell me how you don’t hate yourself.”

 

“I don’t……..I don’t.”

 

“Do you like yourself?”

 

“Wha?”

 

“Maybe you don’t hate yourself, but do you like yourself? Value yourself?”

 

“Oh, I’m valuable alright.”

 

“Humour, the best medicine.”

 

“I wasn’t joking.”

 

“I know. Should we talk about it? And before you ask me ‘what,’ _prostitution_. Should we talk about the prostitution?”

 

“What’s to say? I did what I had to.”

 

“You went on the game to put food in your belly and a roof over your head.”

 

“Yeh.”

 

“Not to fill some need.”

 

“Need? What you on about? It’s not like I’m a sex addict.”

 

“Aren’t you?”

 

“Can we not do the two word questions? No, I am not a sex addict. I did what I had to and that’s it.”

 

“But that’s not quite true, is it?”

 

“Oh? Do tell.”

 

“You moved in with James. You had that food in your belly. You had that roof over your head. And you still kept ‘being valuable.’”

 

“It was complicated. James wanted something from me that I wasn’t able to give at that time. So I , yeh”

 

“He wanted something that you couldn’t give? More than the sex and the money?”

 

“Okay, he did not want the money. The pimping thing is not what it sounds like. That was him trying to save me. He’s always been saving me. Even, actually especially when I didn’t want it. And the sex? He couldn’t just have sex with me, he needed more.”

 

“Is that what you couldn’t give him? The more? Or you couldn’t let him save you?”

 

“Both.”

 

“Tell me.”

 

“Have you ever read the Allegory of the Cave?”

 

“Harry. I know you like to talk around things, but this is important.”

 

“Just, hear me out. Do you know the Allegory of the Cave?”

 

“Is that a new bestseller?”

 

“No, sorry I don’t mean to laugh. It’s very an ‘old bestseller’. It’s from Plato. It’s about people who are imprisoned in a cave all their lives. They are surrounded by darkness and shadows, and the whispers in the distance—in fact that is all their life is. Darkness and shadow and distant sound. Plato talks about what would happen if someone were to try and show them the light. Spoiler, it doesn’t go well.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because they are used to the dark…the shadows. The light hurts their eyes. They are so used to seeing not just a reflection of things, but a warped reflection—perverted by the flame and the distance. But it’s their reality.”

 

“What was your reality? You are the one in the cave. What did you see?”

 

“I don’t know anymore.”

 

“Harry.”

 

“Seriously, I don’t. I used to. But I’ve gone over it so many times in my head that I don’t even remember what is real and what was the shadow. Every night, I would dream about it—in the day also. I would see her fall.”

 

“Her?”

 

“Amy…I’ve seen my hand reach out and push her. I see her fall. I’ve seen my hand hit her, and she would fall. I’ve slapped her and she would fall. Or I attacked her and she. would. fall.

And I just walked away.

That part is always that same……I _always_ walk away.”

 

“Harry, you didn’t murder Amy.”

 

“Yes I did. For **months** , I did.”

 

“That’s not what happened.”

 

“I’ve pictured it so many times in my head—played it so many different ways. At first? I could pretend that it didn’t happen—that someone else was responsible. I let the man I love go to prison for me. I was scared—not just of going to prison but of no longer being able to pretend. I didn’t want to accept that I had murdered someone. That I was that person: a person who kills a woman and runs away. Hmph. But I was. Once people knew, I had to accept it. I was less than an animal.”

“That’s your father speaking.”

 

“He was right. James tried to say that I was a good person who made a bad decision. He kept trying to fix it for me—to fix me—to save me. He couldn’t. He kept trying to love me. I couldn’t.”

 

“Because of what you thought you did?”

 

“Because of what I did. It doesn’t what the truth actually was. For months, I killed Amy. Every night. Perception is reality. James kept trying to pull me out of the cave. He kept trying to bring light into my world. But the darkness and the shadows—that was my home. And I was afraid of what the light would see. I..yeh”

 

“I’ve never heard you speak so softly before.”

 

“I don’t have any fight left. Not with that.”

 

“Do you still have the dreams? About Amy?”

 

“Sometimes. Not too often. I wish that when the truth came out, it fixed everything. It didn’t. It didn’t fix me.”

 

“And there it is.”

 

“What?”

 

“When you stopped valuing yourself and started ‘being valuable’ to yourself and others. Maybe you don’t hate yourself, but you certainly do not love or even like yourself.”

 

“It’s hard to, when the whispers are still there.”


	4. Duat or Aaru

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another session about a hard decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, please provide any feedback. This is first I've written in a really long time.

“Why did you marry him?”

 

“Why did I marry Ste.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Hmph. No, that weren’t a question. That was a statement. Why did I marry Ste.”

 

“You’re smiling.”

 

“Am I?”

 

“Or is that a grimace? Either way, seems to give you a rather long-suffering and bemused expression.”

 

“Half a smile maybe. And that’s only cause, I’ve spent so much time thinking about it.”

 

“And?”

 

“The short answer is… a missed phone call.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“Yeh, that is the ‘literal’ reason I married Ste. A missed phone call.”

 

“Whose?”

 

“James. I called him to come and stop the wedding. He didn’t get the call. So he didn’t stop it. So I married Ste. And we all lived happily ever after…and it’s definitely a grimace.”

 

“Why did you want him to stop the wedding?”

 

“So I wouldn’t have to.”

 

“Is that the long answer?”

 

“Wha?”

 

“You stated that the phone call was the short answer. Is you wanting him to stop the wedding the long one?”

 

“Clever doctor.”

 

“Harry.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Hmmm, that explains it then. Session over?”

 

“It’s complicated…actually it’s simple. I was coward.”

 

“That your word or someone else’s? Seems to be a recurring theme. Is that how you really feel or how you think you’re supposed to feel?”

 

“Do you know what the definition of coward is? I do. I looked it up. It means ‘a person who lacks the courage to do or endure dangerous or unpleasant things’. I mean depends on where you look, but that’s the general idea. And that sounds like me.”

 

“Because you wanted James to stop the wedding.”

 

“Because I didn’t want to endure unpleasant things…again.”

 

“Sounds more like self-preservation to me.”

 

“Does it? What’s the difference?”

 

“I don’t want to get into a debate on definitions with you.”

 

“No, really. When does self-preservation cross the line and turn into pathetic cowardice?...When I ran away from an injured woman? Is that when I got my ‘yellow streak’? Or was it when I let the man I love go to jail for me? No, I know…it’s when I married a man I didn’t love. Or maybe I’ve always been a coward. I don’t know.”

 

“Well let’s talk about the marriage part. The others can be tackled in other sessions.”

 

“I was a coward. Because I didn’t want to be alone again…homeless, hungry, dirty, desperate again. I didn’t want to be alone again…I’m sorry I don’t mean to cry. People say I can cry for England.”

 

“Here’s a secret, tears are cathartic.”

 

“They’re annoying...”

 

“You didn’t want to be alone again. Why would that happen?”

 

“After I told Ste, I told James that I pressed the self-destruct button on my whole life…that’s why. There’s too much history between James and my family. Or people my family cares about. I knew that as soon as I choose James, Diane would, well she’d get preachy but otherwise do nothing. My dad would remember that he doesn’t love me anymore. So I’d have to go. I’d lose my home, again. I’d lose my relationship with my siblings, again. I’d be invisible—that homeless person that everyone ignores, aGAIN. I’d be alone…again. I will take the tissues actually.”

 

“Would you be alone? Surely James would be there?”

 

“Not this time. He didn’t come to stop the wedding.”

 

“But wasn’t that a missed phone call?”

 

“I didn’t know that. I thought he was done. Finally, he was done.”

 

“With you?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“He doesn’t really seem the type. After all he did for you…tried to do for you? He loves you.”

 

“So did my dad…until he didn’t. Until I drove him past his breaking point. He stopped. Why wouldn’t James?”

 

“Would he?”

 

“The first time James told he me loved me? I flat out told him that he didn’t. That’s what I said. I said ‘you don’t love me.’ That was my reaction.”

 

“Seems a bit harsh.”

 

“To be fair, he kinda screamed it at me. It was in the middle of a fight. So I’m not sure what reaction he was expecting…I tried to apologize later but he wasn’t having it. He told me to forget it. Maybe that’s what I was supposed to do at the wedding.”

 

“Did you honestly believe that?”

 

“Why not? Everything I did. I told me that I didn’t see him like THAT, a romantic way. But then I tell him that I would jeopardize my future just to talk to him. Then I sleep with him but only want it to be a casual thing—but that doesn’t stop me from saying we’re in relationship. He tells me he loves me and I run away. But then I tell him I love him, but that my family comes first. I tell him that he won’t always be an afterthought but dump him to marry Ste. I have a problem affecting my wedding and I expect him to fix it. I sleep with him because I can’t live without him—only to tell I’m choosing to marry a man I don’t love. Wouldn’t you be done?”

 

“Fair point.”

 

“He told me, again in a fight—we do seem to have a lot of milestone moments in them, I think. He told me that it was always him. He was chasing me. Always. He was right. I thought maybe, this time he’d let me go.”

 

“But he didn’t.”

 

“No. But I didn’t know that. Or maybe I did, and I just couldn’t accept it.”

 

“Accept it.”

 

“Yeh. That he loved me. Not the person my dad or Ste loved, but me….

And maybe that was the real reason.”

 

“Go on.”

 

“I’d have to finally accept that I wasn’t the Harry Thompson that everyone wanted. I wasn’t that sweet naïve, happily-ever-after, kid anymore. And I didn’t want that to be true. That means that the blood, sweat, tears, future, everything I gave to my relationship with Ste, amounted to nothing. It didn’t make me a better person. It didn’t give me a better life. After trying to be good for so long, there are parts of me that are ugly and dark…and twisted. And James knew that. And he loves me. The real me. The one I’d have to accept.”

 

“So marrying Ste was your last chance to be the Harry that was loved by all?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Loved by people who did know who you were? And wouldn’t accept you for who you are?”

 

“Perception is reality. If they loved me as that person—that Harry, then I could be that person. And all the parts of me that I hated, would just go away.”

 

“Sounds quite…here’s a good word for you ‘asinine’, if you ask me.”

 

“Harsh.”

 

“You are letting people who turned their back on you, threw you away multiple times—while you were in need, I might add—act as Maat for who you are?”

 

“Mat?”

 

“M-a-a-t. Look her up. I think you will like her, Harry. But, to the point…you are letting people who shunned you, insulted you, abandoned you, cheated on you, hurt you, determine your sense of worth? Why? Is it easier? Not having to fight them? Just accept what they say? Least resistance makes for an easy life.”

 

“It’s not that. Nothing about this way easy. But I didn’t want to lose everything. My home, my family, who I thought I was. I’d have to let go of all of it. That’s hard. I was scared.”

 

“So you married Ste. Choosing the best worst solution at the time. Sounds like self-preservation to me, Harry.”

 

“Really? Cause it feels like cowardice to me.”


	5. Fight or Flight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final, conversation, He's threaded in every conversation. Time to talk about the harbinger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was initially going to write this earlier, I procrastinated...then the spoilers/rumours started coming out. And then THAT bombshell happened. I had to take this chapter on a different journey to try and figure out Harry's headspace with all the new information. I hope I was coherent because it through me for a loop. Anyway, please leave a comment to tell me what you think or just about Harry's new storyline in general.

“You know there is one person that has featured in all our conversations. But we’ve not directly addressed him.”

 

“James.”

 

“Yes, James. We’ve talked about your father, husband, your prostitution, and your shame. Through it all, there has been one man threaded into every conversation. Yet we’ve not spoken about him…just his peripheral effect in your life.”

 

“Not peripheral by any standards. Anyway, isn’t his effect the important thing?”

 

“Is it?”

 

“Now, who’s being coy?”

 

“Harry.”

 

“You know, you sound very parental when you say my name like that.”

 

“Harry.”

 

“Okay, fine. What do you want to know?”

 

“Who is James Nightingale?”

 

“That’s the £10,000 question.”

 

“Harry.”

 

“He’s the man I love.”

 

“He’s more than that. Who is he?”

 

“He’s James.”

 

“Who is James?”

 

“I just told you.”

 

“You didn’t tell me anything. You told me how you feel. Who is the man outside of how you feel?

 

“I don’t understand what you’re asking.”

 

“Maybe that’s the issue.”

 

“Wha?”

 

“Maybe because James have been entangled in all these situations, you haven’t thought about him outside of you. He’s wrapped up in the confusion and the stress and the emotion that you feel. Maybe you really don’t know.”

 

“I love him.”

 

“Do you?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Why are you not with him?”

 

“He sent me away. He threw me out.”

 

“Is that the only reason?”

 

“What’d you mean? He told me get out of his life. To stay away. Yes, that’s the only reason.”

 

“How many times did Ste tell you to go? I think I remember you saying that you broke up more than once. But you kept going back. You would not give up. You couldn’t.”

 

“It’s different.”

 

“How?”

 

“Ste needed me.”

 

“James doesn’t?”

 

“James doesn’t need anyone.”

 

“You don’t believe that.”

 

“Wha?”

 

“I said you do not believe that. You can’t even look me in the eye when you say that.”

 

“James doesn’t need me.”

 

“What do you mean by that?”

 

“With Ste, I could help. He had his issues and I could be there for him. Keep him, you know, clean and…whatever. James doesn’t need me. All I bring is trouble. He keeps having to clean up my messes, sort my problems. That’s why he told me to go. He was done with what I was doing to his life.”

 

"Sounds like he did a fair bit of damage to your life.”

 

“Yah, well maybe we’re both toxic people.”

 

“Even toxic people can love.”

 

“Maybe. But is that enough?”

 

“You seem to think it isn’t.”

 

“It wasn’t for my dad. It wasn’t for Ste. Now, it isn’t for James.”

 

“Are you sure about that?”

 

“He threw me out. He said he was done.”

 

“He was hurt and confused. Dealing with a lot at the same time. Didn’t he find out about a son right before your confrontation?”

 

“Yes. I can’t even believe it. I don’t what’s going on with that. He is the gayest man I know.”

 

“Sorry, I don’t mean to laugh. The way you phrased that.”

 

“Okay yah, it sounds funny. But seriously, he is the gayest man I know. I just, I can’t even picture him with a woman.”

 

“Life’s complicated.”

 

“Tell me about it.”

 

“Going back to the point, he just had this bombshell dropped on his life. Maybe he was just lashing out?”

 

“He does that.”

 

“What?”

 

“He lashes out when he’s overwhelmed. Everything Mac did to him—”

 

“Mac?”

 

“His father. His monster of a father. He beat James his whole life.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Yah, me too. Said it was about James being gay.”

 

“You don’t believe that?”

 

“No, I do. But Mac beat James his entire life. Even before James was even looking at boys. What could child James possibly have done? How can a parent do that?”

 

“Hatred doesn’t need a good reason. Neither do monsters.”

 

“I guess.”

 

“So historical physical abuse mixed with a long-lost child, AFTER he watches you marry a man he hates…sounds like a good reason to lash out.”

 

“I think that it was that he was tired of being second best. Or thinking he was. This would be the second time that he lost the man he loves to Ste.”

 

“The second?”

 

“He was engaged to a man who slept with Ste the night James asked him to marry him.”

 

“Wow.”

 

“Yeah, when James found out—well, it didn’t go well for the man. Car, cliff. It was all very dramatic. James can be quite dramatic. I remember he told me the story one time.”

 

“Sounds like quite the story.”

 

“Oh, it was. Over the top and full of drama! Maybe it was because I was with Ste when he slept with John Paul, but I couldn’t decide if I were horrified or amazed or both. It was such a James thing to do.”

 

“James thing?”

 

“Yes. Dramatic, pompous, twisted, imaginative. Most people just hit the man their fiancé slept with. Not James, no. He will buy a car just to push it off a cliff so he psychologically torture his fiancé. Then he will frame the other man for murder. Like it’s twisted, but it definitely is a James thing to do.”

 

“You actually sound a little amused about the whole thing.”

 

“Do I?”

 

“Yes, most people would have more negative reaction to finding something like that out.”

 

“Well, a. at the time, I thought I had murdered someone, and James was protecting me so who’s worse? And b. finding out about Ste and John Paul was what started everything with Amy. I remember that moment.”

 

“When you found out about the affair?”

 

“Yes, it was surreal. Standing in front of everyone who ever told me that Ste would only hurt me, I found out they were right. It was humiliating. I remember feeling this rush. I can’t quite describe it. It was like a freezing heat that went through me whole body. Then it just went numb. I remember staring at his face and thinking ‘Who is this man?’ I remember his mouth moving but not really what he said. I ended it. It should’ve stayed ended.”

 

“Why didn’t it?”

 

“My dad said we could work through this. I found out about the kids and Amy’s move. I attacked Amy and Ste took the blame. Guilt? Shame? Maybe I thought that if I tried hard enough that I could get back what we had. But it was gone. Looking back, that moment, what snapped was the unconditional love and trust I had for Ste. That’s why I let him go down for Amy’s murder for so long. That’s why I could sleep with all those men. That’s why I could love James. I was done with Ste that night…it just should have stayed that way.”

 

“So you love James because Ste hurt you?”

 

“No. That’s not what I mean.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“James was there though all of it. He definitely took advantage of the situation. Maybe he even sleazed his way in. But he was there. At first, he was a necessary evil. But even then, not really. I’ve always gone to James to fix things. So maybe he’s always been there. Some would say lurking.”

 

“Sounds vaguely creepy?”

 

“It’s difficult to describe. James is not a nice person per say. But that’s okay. He doesn’t have to be. People have this idea that to love someone, you look into their soul and like what you see. That’s not true. I don’t have to like everything about James. I don’t have to make excuses or justify the man. I just have to accept him. That’s what love is. It’s looking at the person and saying, I don’t agree with everything you do and I don’t like **every** part of you, but I accept that you are you—and I love the you that IS you. I understand him. I accept him. I love him. It took me a long time to realize that.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because James is the person who turned me into a rent-boy. He’s blackmailed me into destroying my father’s business. He framed Ste for murder. He’s not a good person…But he’s also the man who did everything to protect me, to help me, when no one else would. And maybe that WAS him manipulating the situation at first. But at the end, it wasn’t.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“James saw me at my worst, and he didn’t call me an animal. He accepted me—the bad person I am. I was safe with him because he’s not a good person either. And he’s okay with that. He’s okay with me. That was such a difference from what I was used to. I got drunk on it. I took it for granted. He was there for me until he wasn’t. Until he was just gone and I was alone in my ‘home’ with a father who didn’t love me and fiancé who didn’t know me.”

 

“Is this when he was in prison?”

 

“Yeah, I was miserable. I couldn’t figure out why at first. And then one day I did, I missed James. It was another surreal moment. Standing outside a food truck I could care less about, I realized that I needed to see James. So I did.”

 

“So you did.”

 

“Yes. Then when we got him out of prison, I had to see him again. So I did. This time, there were a lot less clothes involved. And there continued to be a lot less clothes involved. It was like I couldn’t stay away. I told myself it was just sex.”

 

“It wasn’t?”

 

“No. The men, the game, THAT was just sex. This was connection. We would talk. I even told him we were in a relationship—that probably should have been a clue to me. I can be slow sometimes.”

 

“Slow?”

 

“Well, it took James lashing out and hurting my family, not physically of course, to wake me up. James can do pretty rotten things, but it’s usually because he’s hurt. What he did was bad—but when he said he’d die alone…I can’t tell you how that felt. I just wanted to hold him and tell him that he was loved. Nothing like realizing you love a man, while keeping your fiancé from attacking him. I think I told you that James and my milestone moments tend to happen in a fight.”

 

“You did, yes. So was your fight in the storm a ‘milestone moment’?”

 

“It was the conclusion.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“I’m here aren’t I?”

 

“Yes, you are. So back to my question. Why are you still here? Why haven’t you gone back to James?”

 

“I told you. He doesn’t need me in his life. All I bring is trouble.”

 

“But you love him. You accept him for who he is. He’s loved you for years and he finally had you? That doesn’t sound like something he would want to give up.”

 

“He did.”

 

“He did? Or did you?”

 

“What does that mean?”

 

“You’re the one who left.”

 

“Because he told me too.”

 

“You are the one who’s stayed away.”

 

“...”

 

“You’re the one who is here. Why are you still here?”

 

“Maybe I’m not ready yet. Maybe I’M tired. You’re right. James has loved me for years. I love him, not as long but just as strong. But it’s hard. It’s just so…hard.”

 

“What is?”

 

“Going back. Facing them, my family, Ste, James, everyone. I hate the way they look at me. I pretend it doesn’t affect me but it does. When they see me, it is disappointment…disappointment that I’m alive and Tegan or Amy aren’t. That’s I’m still around…it hurts. Here, it’s easier. She’s easier. I know what it sounds like. But she knew me from before. And she doesn’t know what I’ve done. It’s simple and easy. I can breathe.”

 

“What does mean? You can breathe?”

 

“From the moment I went to Hollyoaks, my life has been one major event after another. Coming out, my best friend’s childhood sexual abuse, Ste, John Paul, Amy, my dad…even James. It’s just been non-stop. And I got used to it. I got used to the emotional rollercoasters and lifechanging events happening to me. Whether I wanted to or not. I couldn’t just stop and process. Stop and recover. Stop and breathe. I just had to keep going. Find a way to cope. Selling sex, lying, sneaking. I had to cope. It was exhausting…I am exhausted.

You’re right, there was a time that I wouldn’t let anything stand between me and the man I love. But that was before. Before I stopped. It’s all caught up with me now. And I don’t know if I can do it anymore.”

 

“You have been through a lot. And it is easier here. Losing yourself in the memory of a much simpler time is quite the temptation. But how long will this last?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“James Nightingale. Every session we’ve had, James factors in. Every conversation, James is mentioned. When I asked you who James Nightingale is, what was your answer?”

 

“The man I love.”

 

“Exactly. Present tense. He IS the man you love. He’s the person you love. It is so messy and complicated. But this entire session has been a love letter to the person who is really in your heart.”

 

“Didn’t know you were a love doctor.”

 

“Harry.”

 

“Right. What do I do?”

 

“You have to choose. Simple, easy, and unfulfilling. OR. Messy, hard, and with the one you love.”

 

“Fight or flight. That’s my choice.”


End file.
